Monthly Archives: August 2014

I woke up this morning with a little spring in my step.  In 3 days, my peaceful, boy-free house will be reclaimed for 7 whole hours a day.  Yippee!!  Monday morning I will pop out of bed like a songbird and start belting out, “It’s the most wonderful time of the year!” (this holiday medley also makes an appearance during the Nordstrom Anniversary Sale).  Back to school means back to sanity.

While my computer is booting up, I ponder all the possibilities for Monday morning…should I start with a jog, then shower?  Maybe a bike ride?  Or a massage?  Maybe I can bike ride to my massage.  Or maybe, I will plan nothing and just see how I’m feeling that day!  After 74 days of planning for others, I could use a break.

My inbox is chock-full of the usual amazing sales and offers and also an email from our elementary school’s PTO.  And then one from our middle school’s PTO:

“Back To School Coffee!  Reconnect with old friends and meet new ones.  Hope to see you at 8:30am!”

Why PTO, why?  I love our Parent-Teacher group dearly and do my part, but am I the only one who doesn’t want to speak to anyone after 74 days of noise and chaos?  I need at least 4 days to decompress, to exterminate the evil, impatient monster that reared its head about 2 weeks ago.

Any other year I could avoid these smiling women by driving slowly through the drop-off lane and pushing the kids out.  But this year is different.  My youngest is starting kindergarten and I need to capture this milestone with about 60 digital photos that will remain on my laptop to never be printed.  I will most likely shed tears behind large, black sunglasses and wonder where the time went.  Then I will go home to my peaceful house and continue belting out, “It’s the most…wonderful…time of the yeeeeaaar” while I contemplate what I should do for the day.

So to parent-teacher organizations everywhere, if your attendance is low for BTS coffee, please understand that their are others like me.  Moms who have lost their shit during the summer and just need some time to recoup their dignity.  May I suggest the following for higher attendance:

• Back To School Coffee on Friday at 4pm.  With Baileys.  At a local pub.  With lots of Baileys.
• BTS massages at the Chinese foot bath.  $35 to make us all holla.
• Alprazolam laced brownies- $5 each 

Yes, I will be at the BTS coffee.

Tomorrow we leave for our weeklong beach vacation.  As I pack, I meticulously check off each item on the list I created 2 weeks ago.  If it weren’t for the list, I would definitely forget the tweezers that may be needed in case of a splinter or the anti-itch cream that will only be needed if I forget to pack it.

Under the “Entertainment” section, I’ve checked off movies, mini-DVD player, playing cards, family games, books, etc.  What I have failed to list is the preferred entertainment for the 3 boys in this household.  The machines tenderly swaddled in plastic, shatter-proof outfits like digital newborns.  The ones that will require early-onset Botox to fix indented glabellas.  The ones whose names begin with a lower-case “i.”

Should I let them bring their devices?  Or should I stand firm and try to execute my fantasy beach vacation; the one where we are all playing games at night, eating popcorn and actually speaking to each other?  Hmmmm….  This thought process requires some further deliberation so I turn to the first person I think of for advice.

“Siri, should I let my boys bring their electronics on vacation?”

She replies, “I’m sorry, Victoria, I’m afraid I don’t know what you should do.”

What?  She usually AT LEAST offers to check the web for me.

My next step would be to consult with the family Magic 8 Ball but my husband hid it from me since he thinks it’s a form of witchcraft.  I can’t bear to go online to the slew of parenting websites because I know what the moral solution is:  unplug for the week  (which kind of puts a damper on the Breaking Bad marathon my husband and I intend to have).

What to do….what to do…

So this is what I decided.

I also decided to use the following guidelines:

• Power down and collect electronics at bedtime to avoid late night shenanigans (does not apply to parents)
• All boys must be dressed with teeth brushed before electronics are re-distributed (does not apply to parents)
• No electronics outside or in the car (does not apply to parents)
• If I have to say “Get Your Shoes On” more than twice, gaming privileges are lost for 24 hours (also applies to husband)

Let the good times roll!